乐儿库

在猪投上海的时候，「上海人打开自来水就有免费的排骨汤喝」

近日某使馆继被称为中国最安全的地方后，又被网友荣升为中国最高信坊办，其大使骆家辉则被称为拿着美帝工资的中国信坊办主任、反腐倡廉办公室主任、中国残联主席兼中央精神文明办主任，北京城唯一全家都扎根在国内的部级干部，建议授予“三八红旗手”、“五四青年奖章”和“全国劳动模范”等光荣称号。

种族话题，演员Chris Rock在奥斯卡颁奖礼上，以每年黑人演员几乎都象怨妇一样用的种族话题甩的一段单口包袱

I love animation movies, you can play any role you want no matter who you are.

…

If you are a white man, you can play Aruvian Prince

If you are a black man, you can play donkey and zebra

观众笑

记者问毛少将：请问毛少将，你今年的提案主要是针对什么？”少将：反腐。”

记者追问：”请问为什么今年关注反腐？” 少将忽然大发雷霆：“XXX的，

纪念馆人都是干什么吃的？再不反腐就烂没了！”顿时掌声雷动……

懒

1. 我不整理房间，我是乱室佳人。
2. 不是我不叠被子，主要是我恋旧，就是喜欢睡前一天睡过的被窝。非逼我把这个生 活习惯问题上升到人格修养上来。

女人自嘲

1. 别人的钱财乃我的身外之物。
2. 天哪！我的衣服又瘦了

两面派

1. 有些事情无须争辩，表面服从，偷偷反抗。
2. 勇于认错，坚决不改。

人生

1. 朋友就像人民币，有真、也有假，可惜我不是验钞机。
2. 有些失望是无可避免的，但大部分的失望，都是因为你高估了自己。
3. 很多事介于不说憋屈和说了矫情之间。
4. 这世间，真心本就稀缺，更该俭省。 水至清则无鱼，人至贱则无敌。
5. 人生就像曾轶可，要是一开始就跑偏就再也跑不回来了。
6. 太理智的人一定会错过误入歧途的机会，以及错误带来的沿途美景。
7. 能做到“三思而后行”的人不是因为他又聪明又理智，而是他怕轻而易举的被别人骂他 妈和他大爷。
8. 最好的安慰并不是告诉对方： “一切都会好起来的！ ”而是苦着脸说： “哭个屁，你看，我 比你还惨！” ！
9. 让一部分人先富起来，再消灭富不起来的，最终实现共同富裕。
10. 水可以载舟，亦可以煮粥。

两性

1. 没钱，恨女人俗气；有钱，恨不得女人俗气！
2. 法律规定：男人 23 岁才能结婚，可是 18 岁就能当兵。这说明了 3 个问题：一是杀 人比做丈夫容易；二是过日子比打仗难；三是女人比敌人更难对付。
3. 女人总羡慕红太狼有那么爱她的灰太狼，却忘记了多年来灰太狼一直没有让红太狼吃到 羊，红太狼还是对他不离不弃~
4. 泡酒吧的男人是找刺激的，而女人，多半是受过刺激
5. 抽烟的男人有味道，还是喝酒的男人有味道?–不洗澡的男人最有味道……

性

1. 多年以后。我还是记得那个冬夜她满身大汉的样子。
2. 好男人就是反复睡一个姑娘，一睡就睡一辈子。

求爱

1. 没有人爱你了，那一定是我死了

自嘲

1. 我臊眉耷眼的走了，正如我挤眉弄眼地来。
2. 我不但手气好,脚气也不错！
3. 打算理发了，甩刘海甩的我脖子都崴了。
4. 本人口儿重，拟禁绝可乐，改喝急支糖浆。
5. 脏话对俺们这种俗人就是个语气助词而已，其实并不是故意就想说它，譬如要是搁古时 候。 《史记》里头那句“呜呼哀哉， 逢时不祥！， ” 要是让俺说那就是 “妈了个 B， 逢时不祥！， ” 表达的意思都是一样一样一样的。
6. 要戒烟，早睡，好好的死。（滑稽模仿海子的诗）
7. 众里寻她千百度，蓦然回首，那人依旧对我不屑一顾

自我鼓励

1. 我的优点是：我很帅；但是我的缺点是：我帅的不明显。
2. 鸟虽小 ，玩的却是整个天空。
3. 老鼠一发威，大家都是病猫

事业

1. 问：突然有工作或学习的欲望怎么办？答：多喝点水，休息休息就好了。

其他

1. 踏遍青楼人未老，只因服用加碘盐
2. 老师之间应该要有一种攀比心理。 “咦~他怎么给的分比我高？我得再给同学们加十分！ ”
3. 问：你小时候曾幻想，长大以后什么样的场景会让你在众人面前出尽了风头？ 答：挑 一担粪上街，看谁不顺眼就迎面给他泼一瓢！
4. 问：为什么包青天额头有个月亮。包拯：白天不懂爷的黑。
5. 同志尚未努力，革命仍须成功。
6. 讨厌听到“对不起”这三个字，这说明我又被什么人占便宜，或者被欺骗，甚至被 辜负。

Joe Wong’s speech transcript at RTCA 2010, copyright Joe Wong.

Good evening, everyone. My name is Joe Wong, but to most people, I’m known as “who?!” (laughter) which is actually my mother’s maiden name, (laughter) and the answer to my credit card security question. (laughter)

But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight. (laughter)

I grew up in China, who didn’t? (laughter) And my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood. (laughter) When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I had to work at a rice paddy right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks, and that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound. (laughter) which is almost as slow as a flying rock. (laughter)

My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would try to cheer me up with jokes, but he doesn’t do it right. When I was seven, one day he said to me, “hey son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” (laughter) so five minutes later I said “why?” (laughter) He said “because I said so!” (laughter)

I came to the United States when I was 24, to study at Rice University in Texas. (some applaud cheers and some laughter) that wasn’t a joke (laughter) until now. (laughter) And I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that’s impossible to peel off. And one of them said “If you don’t speak English, go home”. And I didn’t notice it for two years. (laughter)

Like many other immigrants, we want our son to become the president of this country and we try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English in public, which is really tough to do, because many times I have to say to him in public “Hey listen, if you don’t speak English, go home” (laughter) And he would say to me, “Hey dad, why do I have to learn two languages?” I said “son, once you become the president of the United States, you are going to have sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese” (laughter)
When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the United States, because in China, I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. (laughter) And in order for me to become a U.S. citizen, I have to take this American history lessons, where they ask us questions like “Who is Benjamin Franklin?”, where I was like “ah, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?” (laughter) “What’s the Second Amendament?”, where I was like “ah, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?” (laughter) “What is roe vs. wade?”, where I was like “ah, two ways of coming to the United States?” (laughter)

Later on I read so much about the American history that I started to harbor white guilt. (laughter) In the America they say that all men are created equal, but after birth, it kind of depends on the parents’ income, or early education and health care. (laughter) I read in the Max House Men’s Health Magazine that President Obama every week has two cardio days and four weight lifting days. You see, I don’t have to exercise, because I have health insurance. (laughter) I live in Massachusetts now, where we have universal health care; then we elected Scott Brown (laughter) – talk about mixed messages. (laughter) I think there was a movie about him – it’s called “Kill Bill” (laughter)

I’m honored to meet vice president Joe Biden here tonight, (Joe turned to face Biden) I actually read your autobiography, and today I see you. (Joe turned back to face audience) I think the book is much better. (laughter) They should’ve get guest cast Brad Pitt, or even Angelina Jolie. (laughter)

So to be honest, I was really honored to be here tonight, and I prepared for months for tonight’s show, and I showed the white house my jokes about President Obama, and that is when he decided not to come. (laughter) And he started to talk about immigration reforms, (laughter) Take that, Stephen Colbert (laughter) And president Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was conducting two wars. and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize, and he accepted it. (laughter) You can’t be more bad ass than that. (laughter) where actually, I’m thinking the only way you can be more bad ass than that is if you take the Nobel Prize money and give it to the military. (laughter)

We have many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom I consider as my peers. (laughter) because I used to write for campus newspaper. (laughter) I think journalism is the last refugee for puns. Only on the newspaper can you say things like “I was born in the year of horse and that is why I’m a naysayer” (laughter) my point exactly.

And tonight is my first time on C-SPAN, which is a channel I obviously always watch, when I couldn’t stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC. (laughter) If I still couldn’t fall asleep after watching C-SPAN, there’s C-SPAN2 and C-SPAN3. (laughter) Thank you very much. (laughter)

So I became a U.S. citizen in 2008, which I’m really happy about. (applause) thank you very much. American is number one, (laughter) that’s true, ’cause we won the world series every year. (laughter)

After becoming the U.S. citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden. (Joe turned to face Biden) you’re welcome. (laughter) You handed me a had me at “Yes We Can” (laughter) (Joe turned back to audience) that was the their slogan. (laughter)

So after getting Obama and Biden elected, I felt this power trip. (laughter) And I start to think maybe I should run for president myself. Where, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit, you know, because I have always been a morose and pessimist guy. I felt that life is kind of like, pee into the snow in a dark winter night, you probably make a difference, but it’s really hard to tell. (laughter) But now, we have a president who’s half black half white, it just gives me a lot of hope, because I’m half not black half not white. (laughter) Two negatives make a positive. (laughter)

You may be saying “Hey, what would be your campaign slogan?” You see, I spent ten years in the past decade (laughter) oh you too? okay. (laughter) So I understand that American people are suffering, so my campaign slogan would be “Who (Hu) Cares”. (laughter)

If elected, I would make same-sex marriage not only legal nor required, (laughter) that will get me the youth vote.(laughter) You see I’m married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage, I was like “wow, 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever” (laughter)

And I will eliminate unemployment in this country, by reducing the productivity of the American workforce. (laughter) so two people will have to do the work of one, just like the President and the Vice President,(laughter) or the Olsen twins. (laughter)

And despite heart disease and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes. So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. (laughter) You seem to like that one. (laughter) but you won’t be covered by health insurance though, (laughter) because of pre-existing conditions. (laughter)

And I have a quick solution for global warming. I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius, (laughter) It was 100 degrees, now it’s 40. (laughter) You’re very welcome. (laughter)

And I’m great with foreign policy. Because I am from China, and I can see Russia from my backyard. (laughter) I believe that Unilateralism is too expensive, and open dialog is too slow. So if elected, I will go with text messaging. (laughter) I will text our allies just to say hi, (laughter) and text our enemies when they are driving. (laughter) “OMG you’re building a nuclear weapon?” (laughter), “but you’re doing it wrong LOL” (laughter)

I just want to thank Video TV correspondence Association for having me here tonight. This is the first time I wish my son knew what I was doing. Thank you so much and have a very good night. Thank you Linda Scott.