昨晚，和一认识的、很不错的妹子宵夜后。想约她一起睡觉。。。我婉转的说：我想和你一起起床。她笑着回答我：木有问题。我一阵惊喜，道：真的！！！妹子：当然真的，来，我帮你把手机闹钟设下。
老婆
老婆做饭很难吃，不过却很喜欢做，一天我受不了问道：“为什么你这么喜欢做饭？”老婆开口地说：“人家都说想得到一个人就要得到那个人的胃呀。”我说：“那你为什么做得那么难吃。”老婆一听怒了一拍桌子：“我得不到的，我宁愿毁了它！”
To ALL Employees
Terrific dictionary this is! More updates to come…
To ALL Employees
It has been brought to the management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated.
The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following code phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.
| OLD PHRASE | NEW PHRASE |
| He asks too many questions | He is good at reaching out to people for information. |
| No fucking way | I’m not certain that’s feasible |
| You’ve got to be shitting me | Really. |
| Tell someone who gives a fuck | Perhaps you should check with… |
| Ask me if I give a fuck | Of course I am concerned. |
| It’s not my fucking problem | I wasn’t involved in that project. |
| What the fuck? | Interesting behavior. |
| Fuck it, it won’t work | I’m not sure i can implement this. |
| Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that sooner | I’m trying to schedule that. |
| When the fuck do you expect me to do this? | Perhaps I can work late. |
| Who the fuck cares? | Are you sure it’s a problem? |
| He’s got his head up his ass | He’s not familiar with the problem. |
| Eat shit | You don’t say |
| Eat shit and die | Excuse me? |
| Eat shit and die, motherfucker | Excuse me, sir? |
| What the fuck do they want from my life? | They weren’t happy with it? |
| Kiss my ass | So you’d like my help with it? |
| Fuck it, I’m on salary | I’m a bit overworked at the moment. |
| Shove it up your ass | I don’t think you understand. |
| This job sucks | I love a challenge |
| Who the hell died and made you boss | You want me to take care of this? |
| Blow me | I see |
| Blow yourself | Do you see? |
| Another fucking meeting | Yes, we should discuss this. |
| I really don’t give a shit | I don’t think it will be a problem. |
| Fuck you | How nice. How very nice. |
我女
我女儿对#我是歌手#中歌手最大的要求是：睁开眼睛！
周末
周末和老公看电影，前排坐着两个妹子，一人手里抱着一大桶爆米花，从电影开场就一直在吃。吃完后，两人又拿出一大袋瓜子开始嗑。说实话，烦得我恨不得骂街，但是我忍住了。我对老公说：“把鞋脱了吧。！”
和一
和一个女同学聊天 ，问，你在干嘛呢，答：“刚刚洗澡了现在等着干呢。” 问，“你那个干读第几声？”
脸大
脸大旺不旺夫我不知道，费面膜那倒是真的。还费增白粉
伊娃
伊娃对女友说：“我考虑是否带男朋友去看心理医生。”女友问：“为什么？”伊娃：“他喝咖啡时总是喜欢用左手搅拌，别人都是用右手。”女友：“那有什么，也许他是左撇子呀。”伊娃：“可是，可是……人家都用勺呵！”
out-of-box thinking
out-of-box thinking的典型【神答案！美国小屁孩David的考卷】独立宣言在哪签署？答：页尾。拿破仑死于哪场战斗？答：他最后一场。离婚的主要原因是什么？答：婚姻。苹果的一半像什么？答：苹果的另一半。什么是早餐永远不会吃的？答：午餐和晚餐……老师给了他不及格，但另外给创意分A ！
跟男
跟男友在一起后越来越胖了。。长了很多肉。我说，我要减肥啊，不行啊，要是再胖下去，你嫌弃我抛弃我怎么办？这二货说：我哪儿抛的动啊！