思维如此慎密

老师问:“树上有10只鸟,猎人开枪打死了1只,还剩几只?”

学生:“是无声手枪,还是其它没有声音的枪?”

师:“不是无声手枪,也不是其它没有声音的枪。”

生:“枪声有多大?”

师:“80-100分贝”

生:“那就是说,会震得耳朵疼?”

师:“是的”

生:“在那个地方,打鸟不犯法?”

师:“不犯”

生:“您确定那只鸟真的被打死啦?”

师:“确定” 老师有些不耐烦了:“拜托,你只需要告诉我还剩几只鸟就行了,OK?”

生:“OK!鸟里有没有聋子?”

师:“没有”

生:“其中有没有智力有问题的?就是呆傻到听到枪响都不知道要飞的?”

师:“没有,智商都在200以上!”

生:“有没有关在笼子里?”

师:“没有”

生:“有没有残疾或饿得飞不动的鸟?”

师:“没有,身体都倍棒!”

生:“算不算怀孕肚子里的小鸟?”

师:“都是公的。”

生:“都不可能怀孕?”

师:“我晕!绝对不可能!”

生:“打鸟的人有没有眼花?保证是10只?”

师:“10只”

生仍追问:“有没有傻到不怕死的?”

师:“都怕死”

生:“有没有是情侣的,一方被打中,另一个主动要陪着殉情的?”

师:“笨蛋!之前不是告诉你都是公的吗!”

生:“同性不可以相爱啊?”

师愤怒了:“…10只鸟的性取向都很正常!”

生:“会不会一射二鸟?”

师:“不会”

生:“一枪打仨呢?”

师:“不会”

生:“4呢?”

师:“更不会”

生:“5呢?”

师彻底崩溃:“尼玛,再说一遍,一枪只能打死1只!”

生:“…好吧,就是所有鸟都可以自由活动的?它们受到惊吓起飞,会不会惊慌失措而互相碰撞?”

师:“不会,每只鸟都自由飞行”

生:“如果您的回答没有骗人话,” 满怀信心的说:“打死的鸟要是挂在树上没掉下来,那么就剩1只;如果掉下来,就1只不剩!”

终于等到学生的答案了,老师强忍着几乎倒地的晕眩感,颤抖地说:“你TMD不用读小学了,直接去考公务员吧!"

世界那么大

“领导,我想辞职”
“为什么”
“世界这么大,我想去看看”
“挺好的,我支持你的想法,对了,每月房贷多少”
“5000”
“社保呢”
“780”
“汽车油费煤气水电物业费呢”
“差不多3000”
“你那爱购物的老婆和上学的孩子的费用呢?”
“领导我去忙了,明天还有几个客户要拜访”
“其实我挺支持你的想法的…”
上联:世界那么大,我想去看看;下联:钱包那么小,谁都走不了;横批:好好上班

升级版:昨天刚被“世界那么大,我想去看看”的辞职信感动不已,正幻想着什么时候也可以如此潇洒一把,今天一上班老板就递过来一份辞退信,上面写着“世界那么大,我想让你去看看”。。。

04d852c56b30fbd0fdbabc33d0748db8

一公司聚会,做了个活动。领导在地上一边写了个精英,一边写了垃圾。就对员工们说,自己认为自己是什么就站在哪边。结果都站到精英哪边,就一个员工站在垃圾这边。员工们都在笑他,说这人真傻。领导也很好奇,就问为什么站这,他回答说:只有垃圾才会挤在一堆,精英只是个别。领导瞬间提拔了他。

“我

“我大学刚毕业来这家公司面试的时候,老板语重心长的对我说:虽然薪水不多,但是你可以在这里获得快速的成长,这对年轻人来说是最重要的。现在,两年过去了,老板没有骗我,我看起来已经像是40岁的人了。”

老板

老板:一头驴子拉磨时不听话,和主人讲条件,最后被主人剥了皮。 员工:一只狼过于狠毒,为了满足自己贪婪的欲望,咬死了草原上所有的羊,最后自己也被饿死了。

“小

“小雷,听说你大学的专业是流体力学?”“是的,领导。”“那好,去帮我倒杯水。”“领导,请你尊重这门专业,流体力学是……”“请你谈谈非等熵的稳态可压磁流体力学方程在持续等离子体约束受控热核聚变中的应用。”“领导,饮水机在哪?”

To ALL Employees

Terrific dictionary this is! More updates to come…

To ALL Employees

It has been brought to the management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees.  Due to complaints from some of the easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated.

The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees.  Therefore, the management has compiled the following code phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE
He asks too many questions He is good at reaching out to people for information.
No fucking way I’m not certain that’s feasible
You’ve got to be shitting me Really.
Tell someone who gives a fuck Perhaps you should check with…
Ask me if I give a fuck Of course I am concerned.
It’s not my fucking problem I wasn’t involved in that project.
What the fuck? Interesting behavior.
Fuck it, it won’t work I’m not sure i can implement this.
Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that sooner I’m trying to schedule that.
When the fuck do you expect me to do this? Perhaps I can work late.
Who the fuck cares? Are you sure it’s a problem?
He’s got his head up his ass He’s not familiar with the problem.
Eat shit You don’t say
Eat shit and die Excuse me?
Eat shit and die, motherfucker Excuse me, sir?
What the fuck do they want from my life? They weren’t happy with it?
Kiss my ass So you’d like my help with it?
Fuck it, I’m on salary I’m a bit overworked at the moment.
Shove it up your ass I don’t think you understand.
This job sucks I love a challenge
Who the hell died and made you boss You want me to take care of this?
Blow me I see
Blow yourself Do you see?
Another fucking meeting Yes, we should discuss this.
I really don’t give a shit I don’t think it will be a problem.
Fuck you How nice.  How very nice.